Are you working hard at listening?

We've all been on the receiving end before. You're in a conversation, and you just know the other person isn't listening to you. Oh sure, they are nodding in all the right places, and making "interested" sounds here and there. They answer your question, but you can just feel they weren't really interested in what you had to say. You get a response but leave the interaction feeling... not great.

Why is actually listening so hard?

I will be the first to admit - I'm not a good listener sometimes. 

There are times when I've got a deadline that's not related to the conversation I'm having. 
Sometimes I'm wondering what the dog is barking at, or what conversation is happening in the next cubical over. Sometimes my IMs start blowing up. Once in a while I 'already know' where this conversation is going and I know what I'm going to say next, so I time-share my brain off to other topics. Sometimes I'm just tired and over loaded and stressed.

After thinking honestly about it - there have been a million times when I've not been a good listener... which is pretty sad, because someone else invested their time and energy to come and talk to me about something. Maybe I missed an opportunity to really understand what was behind the words they were saying? Maybe if I had invested the energy to really pay attention to what they were communicating, I could have helped them be even better at creating value for our customers? Ho boy!

Fact of the matter is, truly listening is hard to do. It takes energy, focus and an investment in really wanting to understand what the other person is communicating to you. And it takes practice. Listening is also one of the most important tools a servant leader (or coach, scrum master, product manager, great team member or manager) has in their tool box. 

Truly listening can help you get to a root cause of a problem that's impeding someone. It can help you understand the context behind the words being spoken. It gives you clues on how you can help the other person achieve their potential. It can help you learn something new.

Be a better listener at your next conversation.

Do you want to improve your listening skills? Here are some simple tips you can try in your next conversation that can help you be a better listener. 

(Disclaimer - actually doing these things may feel weird. Don't let that stop you! As with any skill, practice over times makes things easier, and believe me - this skill is a good one to continually practice and improve!)

1 - "Eyes on the prize..."

Maintaining eye contact with the person you're conversing with is a great way to stay focused on the conversation. It helps you to eliminate distractions around you, focus on the other person, and notice non-verbal cues they may be displaying.  That means turning on video and showing your messy office and baseball cap. Totally worth it though!

2 - "Hurry up and don't interrupt.."

Let the other person get their thought out! Wait for a pause to ask a question, or offer feedback. Don't formulate your response to their point until they are finished making it. Take your time. Interrupting someone speaking is a great way to convey "yeah yeah, I get it... let's move on" and you will almost certainly miss out on some valuable insight that can help you be more effective at helping the other person.

3 - "I feel you..."

As you are listening to the words being spoken, and observing their non-verbal cues, think about how that person is feeling. Are they happy? Sad? Scared? Excited? Nervous? Passionate? Can you understand why they are feeling that way about what they are saying? Can you get to feeling the same way about the topic too? Genuinely empathizing with the speaker and mirroring their emotion can take enormous amounts of energy, but it's also an amazing way to gain insight into what they are trying to communicate and a great way to convey understanding. It also helps to make the speaker feel psychologically safe and goes a long way to building on relationships.

4 - "I'm picking up what you're putting down..."

Effective use of verbal and nonverbal feedback are critical to being great at listening. Genuine feedback shows the other person that you understand (or just as importantly, don't understand) what they are communicating. Probing, open ended questions help them to dig deeper into what they are trying to communicate. Feedback encourages them to continue communicating, providing you the opportunity to get more data and insight from the interaction. 

5 - "Practice, practice, practice..."

Being great at listening takes mindfulness and practice (and a lot of energy.) You have to practice. That means doing things differently than you do today and really investing in the skill. Next time you go into a conversation... clear your screens. Turn off your notifications. Turn on your video. Remind yourself to be an active listener.  Practice maintaining eye contact.  Practice putting yourself in the speaker's situation.  Practice providing verbal and nonverbal feedback. 

No one is perfect (nor should you really try to be), but by practicing your listening skills, you can improve the way you help your team, your partners and your peers achieve our shared objectives!

Challenge yourself to improve your listening skills with your next conversation.
We all win together!